Further Submission Tips
25 Feb 2011
Drawing on recent submissions and with the exact spelling and punctuation, Andrew Lownie continues his series on dos and don’ts when approaching an agent.
ADDRESS THE AGENT PROPERLY
Good day, Dear Beloved One
Dear Andy
Hello Lownie
Gentle Andrew Lownie Literary Agency
Dearest One, My Greetings with due Respect
Dear Andrew Lownie agency reader
Honorable sir or ms
Dear Mighty One
Dear Andrew Lownie Staff Member
Dear Lownie
Dear The Andrew Lownie Literary Agency Team
Dear Andrew Lownie Lit
Complement of the day to you and your beloved family
Hi both
Hi Andrew and team
Hi lownie
Dear Prospective Literary Agent
Dear Andrew Lownie Literary Agency
Andrew Lannie Lanrie Literary Agency
Good Morning Sir
Good day Mr. Andrew Lownie
Hello & regards
Dear Mr. Agent
Dear respected one
WRITE CLEARLY AND GRAMMATICALLY
I have just gone through nthe guidelines of submissions of your esquired literary agency and wholeheartedly aghreed t comply with them. therefore,I am providing you hereby with the following facts aboutm ym humble person you see below.
Seeking your precious time and attention for query of a novel titled ‘Journey to Zero’ which promises to change the way people accept life and living. Words generally breed more distrust than faith. I only hope my words carry the innocence which the novel breathes.
I search literary agents and pubblishers (sic)in UK and U.S.A. that they publish books for an public whith (sic) opinions of centre-right.
I want to publish an my manuscript. Can you to indicate me of the nominatives?
The messages in these plays are so humanistic, feministic, in the best sense of this word, promoting a culture based on concious negation of violence, gread, aggression, revence (under which mankind has suffered for so long).
I am a journalist and writer, but I live in Brazil and do not speak English. These are the limitations. However, I am a talent as a writer and want to throw me in the United States.
i am a inspired young writer…i have just finish my two book, which took me hell to complete…and i was hoping if you could read through my manuscript and to comment on it.
I was also hoping to fine an agent in your means, if that is possible…my book is based on dramatic fiction.
LEAVE THE COMPARISONS TO ME
All of my friends feel that this Book will compete with J.K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter”.
I can say that it is a vast improvement on “Driving over Lemons”, “A Year in Provence”, “Snowball Oranges”. “Tequila Oil” I like but it doesn’t have the same depth.
HONESTY ISN’T ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY
I approached you simply because you appear near the beginning of the list of agents in the on-line version of the Writers and Artists Year Book.”
I’ld like to apologize for this letter lacking fancy words and phrasing, for I’ve cobbled up it in a hurry.
’m not published, and didn’t read for many years so have a limited background in writing.
I have been published many times. Hounds Magazine in UK, Fusion Flowers in Scotland and a number of magazines in USA have published my work.
TOO MUCH INFORMATION IN THE CV
Over the last six years I have composed an enormous set of photographs (3000) of decorative tablesettings for a gorgeous publication about the art of the table
Experienced bread baker, pasta maker, cheese maker, pastry-proficient, fruit and flower gardener.
The author is a “recovering lunatic,” although he has never been certified as insane or admitted into any psych ward.
DO YOU REALLY NEED A LITERARY AGENT
I don´t really have any experience with yoga (well a bit), but I know about it - and I think that I am able to do a bit - and learn more. Please send me more information about your courses in India. Goa - or nearby.
Attached is a Russian-gypsy song with an Arabic twist and a touch of funk,performed by my band. I have recently completed a 117-word, fun and upbeat rhyme entitled Lively Letters that is sure to entertain adults and children as they travel through the alphabet in an unique and captivating way.
OTHER IRRITATIONS
A four page confidentiality agreement just to see a story outline and then place film rights.
Author turns up at 7.30 a.m. wanting to discuss his script
Submissions which end with “Anticipating a favorable reply”.
“I would put it in the same genre as Harry Potter. It is of course completely different.”
“My attorney checked your contract and suggested that we cut your commission to 12.5%. As he explained, that would cover his 2.5%.”
Author asks for £10 to cover his postage costs for sending in the script.
My heart sinks when a submission begins “For the last 20 to 30 years I have been writing a three part philosophical history (the parts are about 80,000 words each)…”
“We are seeking representation for three reference book series that teach how to memorize Chinese writing characters and develop literacy in Chinese, Japanese and Korean. In total, the series comprise of twenty-seven volumes.”
“You also were curious if anybody has approached me about representation or shown interested in the content of my book. The answer is yes, seven other literary agents.” Why approach me then?
“Oh yeah, I’m supposed to tell you that I’m sending this special opportunity to other agents – at the same time. So you don’t get pouty when somebody else gets to make all that money.”
Author writes after I’ve asked for proposal. “Can’t you just use your own sound judgement and read a few fucking pages? Jesus. I hate the fucking English. You’re worse than the French. And Ten times worse than Americans.”
Manuscript with sticker “Provided for evaluation purposes. Subject to Contract.”
NOT THE WAY TO START
It’s a bold request for me to ask you to read a manuscript that can only be seen through your warrior skills and sensitivities. Let me give you several unusual and courageous reasons why:
Please,l beg to consider representing me.You can give poetry a chance.Many marriges has failed today because of ignorance.This collection can be into the world standard and published and send to Califonia,Hollywood and the rest of the world to change the perception about marrige.lt could have saved the marrige of Eddie Murphy.
Looking for an Honest Agent to read & advise on my paperback, the book is completed but needs proofreading & the grammar checking,
Before I send it to you can you assure me that it will be read and that- although i do not automatically expect you to take me on– i may expect useful feedback either to revise this piece or to benefit my future work?
My name is Felix and I’m the messiah
.
